Ed Fortune

One of the things all journalists are taught from the start is to determine Who, What, Where and Why. With the movie Megashark versus Giant Octopus, I find myself at a loss to explain why. Why it exists and why on earth I watched it. For those who haven’t heard of it, it’s pretty much what it sounds like; a recently made creature feature movie, where two huge aquatic creatures duke it out.

Badly made schlocky movies can be charming in a quirky, funny-looking sort of way. Poor dialogue, terrible sets, awful special effects and badly written plot can add up to making an enjoyable experience. More often than not though, a bad movie is just bad, and Megashark versus Giant Octopus is an example of what happens when you try and make an entertaining but awful movie and fail.
The plot, for those who care, can be summed up thusly; The military accidentally shatters a giant block of ice, containing the titular characters. Both the octopus and shark proceed to go on the rampage, devouring battleships and airplanes in their path¹.

A giant shark. Eating a bridge. Should be exciting. Isn't.

Scientists use science² to arrange for both the shark and the octopus to attack either Los Angeles or Tokyo, before realising that it’s a terrible idea. Drawing inspiration from every school playground ever, they instead use science to get the two monster to fight each other, whilst they stand round on the edge of the battle chanting ‘Fight, fight’.

The two awfully CGI’d monsters then get down to the battle royale. Except they don’t, because the movie’s budget only allows for a series of standard, stock footage style animations. Until you watch this movie³, you’ll never have believed that a feature about two huge sea monsters beating each other up could be dull.
It also features Debbie Gibson, whom, if you’re from the United Kingdom, you’ll struggle to remember why she was famous, and will confuse her with Tiffany. (Who also makes a living making shitty movies.) This movie is simply bad in every way. You can try to find something to laugh at, but you will be struggling. I recommend you watch the trailer instead; it’s got all the good bits in it. (And by good bit, I mean it ends quickly.)

1: Yes, airplanes. Apparently, super-sized sharks can fly out of the water. Yes they can. Shut up
2: You can tell they’re scientists because they wear lab coats and nod sagely when they mix chemicals together. These chemical occasionally glow. This is the best bit of the movie.
3: Don’t.